Politics and Christianity.

Yeah, no one wants to talk about it. Heck, I don't want to talk about it. But while I was in Kenya, it an unavoidable subject. While we were there, Kenya's constitution was up for revision. Here's a portion of my journal entry about it:
" There is a lot of talk about the Kenyan Constitution up for voting, and we've heard a lot of different opinions of people we have interacted with. Rose [the woman in charge of Buckner in Kitale] and Pastor Edward [of City Harvest Baptist Church that does ministry in Kibera] are for the new constitution, and the people at Daystar University [a Christian college that we visited outside of Nairobi] are not. Rose said that although it is nowhere near perfect, some sort of change needs to happen and they need to start somewhere. Daystar mentioned that the new one allows abortion under the circumstances that the mother is in danger or it is caused by rape, and they think it is completely wrong to allow that. Whereas Pastor Edward says that he doesn't believe that the new constitution is allowing abortion because he thinks that those two circumstances are legitimate, although he said that he would be "stoned" by the Christian community in Kenya for having that opinion. I don't think that it's just coincidence that Rose and Pastor Edward do a lot of work around the poor and have that opinion, while Daystar isn't very involved in the community and also doesn't want the new constitution to pass because it would force them to allow all religions to be accepted in the school. It disgusts me how un-missional that is.
All of these thoughts got me thinking about my own political views and how I really need to inform myself on issues. All I know is that I really care about people and I want my political views to reflect that. So what if that means I lean more to the left? But I do know that government is corrupt and I do not trust them to do anything, and the same with big business. Yet I don't believe that pacifism is very smart, because although I would love to leave in a world where everyone is peaceful and just, it just isn't reality.
I really wish I could attend a church that is more in line with the things I am passionate about like new monasticism, the social gospel, and things like that. But Elise mentioned that maybe we're supposed to be out there at other churches trying to help them make connections with poverty issues and different ministries like that. I know she is right, I just shy away from it because I am scared of having that responsibility. But then again-"now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead.""

It was kinda funny to realize that a lot of the Christian culture in Kenya can be similar to the U.S. The Christian population of Kenya tend to be conservative and close minded (note that I DO NOT think those words mean the same thing), with a minority of them like Pastor Edward and Rose that have more "un-traditional" views. Now that I have experienced the harsh reality of extreme poverty, I'm not too sure I disagree with Rose and Pastor Edward's opinion on abortion. I've always thought it was okay when the life of the mother is at stake, but now since talking with them my views are more prone to altering in the rape situation. I still think it's wrong and I know God can use that situation to do a lot of good ( I have seen it through a family friend's situation), but it's hard to restrict that when it may not be a reality in other situations. I don't really know...what do YOU think?

Needless to say, it was hard to avoid a conversation about politics while I was there. And I hate that I still don't have concrete views on many political issues and ideology. And I admit, it is because I have failed to inform myself. I do know one thing though, my life needs to mirror that of Jesus'. And that also includes His politics. I guess I should finish reading "Jesus for President" by Shane Claiborne. 

Inescapable busy-ness

Wow. Let's talk about how the last time I wrote was on June 1 and it is now the 19th. To say that I've been "busy" is an understatement, and I HATE that. Nothing is ever crossed out on my to-do list, I'm never at home for more than an hour unless I'm sleeping, working 8-5 is tiring, I never have time to stop and think. And what I have realized is, I'm using the "I'm busy" excuse and letting it seep into my spiritual life. Sad. Pathetic. I can NEVER be too "busy" to spend time with God and there is absolutely no way to validate not doing so.

It's time to stop the cycle of needing to "re-commit".

I know life is a work in progress and mine has definitely improved this year, but that is no reason for my not to keep striving for improvement...because Lord knows (really), I have a loooonnngggg way to go.

One thing that keeps showing up in my life has been the necessity to live a "missional" lifestyle. I've heard it in numerous sermons, thought about it in Kenya, has come up in conversations with friends and family, etc. No, that doesn't mean that I think everyone needs to go live in a foreign country and be a missionary. But I do believe that everyone is called to "ministry" in a sense. People tend to compartmentalize their lives-the way we act with friends, with family, at work, at school, at church, on mission trips. Imagine if Christians truly lived out what we were supposed to, how different the culture of the Church would be. Every Christian is entering into full time ministry, just not in the traditional sense. It's so important to seek out opportunities, relationships, and situations to share your faith. No, not passing out a tract in the middle of the street, walking up to people and asking them if they know Jesus (pronounced, "GEE-zus!"), but building meaningful relationships with people. It's so hard to remove ourselves from, well, ourselves in order to change your approach to life. But I think the fact that it keeps coming up over and over in my life is no accident.

I am "fed" for a purpose, and it's time to become impassioned by that. 

transition

I'm not going to lie, I've been feeling a little weird and unsure what to do with myself since returning home Sunday night. The American culture and my privileged lifestyle has me feeling selfish and disgusted. I want to live a life affected. I don't want to forget what I have experienced. I don't want temporary, I want a permanent change. But how do I go about doing that in a culture that isn't supportive of that, surrounded by people who don't care enough to make a life change?

Now that the trip is over and I have more time to blog, I have decided I'm going to continue to share details of my trip and type out journals and such. And I think I'm going to try and start blogging regularly if you care to read that. I think it will be more of a personal thing since I doubt many read this, but feel free to read/comment all you want!

Portion of my journal entry, Tuesday May 18th, on the flight to Nairobi:

"I'm just so excited/nervous about the impact this trip will have on me. Is it going to confirm or dismiss a direction I could take in my life? Will questions be answered? What will I learn? How will I apply it to my everyday life in America? What effort will I need to put forth to grow in this experience and grow closer to Christ? those are all really scary things to think about.

And I'm going to be honest and admit a little arrogance of mine. I know I will come back from this trip changed, I've just convinced myself that I'm more aware of and care more about issues of poverty and injustice in the world, so somehow that makes me a better person who has no room to improve. What a farce. Although I may be more aware and have an ability to keep my life in perspective to the grand scheme of problems, that by no means means that it's not an area I can improve upon."

Fast forward to Wednesday May 26, after our visit to Kibera, a huge slum outside of Nairobi (I'll share more about my experience in Kibera later because I don't want to bombard you, but I feel like sharing a portion is crucial to understanding where I'm at right now):

"Then we visited Tom's house, he had been one of the people who had been taking us around all day and works for KTDP (Kibera Transformational Development Program). We had to balance on an extremely narrow pathway and over a teeny footbridge to get to his home, which you could not stand up in. Once inside, all 13 of us crammed inside and sat while he told us about his life and what he does. He recently got married in March, his Dad died in February, his mother is away living in another town, and he takes care of his two brothers that live near him that are going to school for mechanical engineering.

He said, beaming, "I am so proud of my house, and the land that my father owned. I love Kibera, I love my people, I will never leave them. I live a normal life. I have a stereo, I have electricity."

...And the tears came flowing. (And they are now as I am typing this.) He has a right to be proud of what he has earned, and it is so much less than anyone in America can ever imagine. Here we are, 13 people crammed into the home of 2-no visible bed, no bathroom, no shower-and our host is so incredibly proud, privileged, and content.

Meanwhile, here we are in America spending at least half an hour of our day looking at ourselves in the mirror trying to fit into this "affluent" (but not emotionally or spiritually) society that is actually a minority lifestyle in the world, though everyone acts like you're crazy if there is anything contrary. Going to church but not letting Jesus take over our lifestyle, settling to be a "believer" and not a "follower", despite going on mission trips or hearing the same message over and over again but not applying it. Constantly being unsatisfied with our own belongings and "needing" all new, all brand new things. Wasting so many resources that is sickens me to be associated with it. Yet I'm sickened with other cultures where corruption runs rapid.

I WILL NEVER BE FULLY SATISFIED ON THIS EARTH.

I can now fully realize and understand that  my heart is in heaven, and although it sounds morbid, I will patiently wait for that day when I will meet Jesus face to face and I can live in a place with true peace and harmony.

I think it's going to be hard returning home and being around the constant materialism of some of my friends. I wish I could impassion people to live with biblical priorities, but I almost feel like it is a lost cause. It's not that the problem is that there are no Christians in these nations, it's that they need to let it dictate their lifestyles. 80% of the population of Kenya is Christian, and 60% live below the poverty line. Really, it's the same problem with America and Christians all over the world. How on Earth to you go about instilling that kind of change in people? There's the same disconnect between the affluent and the poor, the same debate over political issues, the same stigma over HIV/AIDS. Though, that is one thing that the U.S. is improving on a bit. But Pastor Edward was talking about how people still completely ostracize people with HIV/AIDS and won't be willing to help, even in the church. I really don't understand how the Church can choose to ignore the fact and it needs to be passionate about the things that Jesus are passionate about. Injustice. Poverty. War. Children. Clean water. Conservation of the environment and resources.

And the reality is that not everyone thinks about all these things and has the same mindset as I do. And that's exactly what I struggle with, being around people that I feel are very self absorbed and unaware. But that is exactly what we have been called to do, not to hole up and only be around people who think the same way, but how on Earth am I supposed to do that? And is it okay to follow through in my sense of entitlement to change peoples' perspectives? But how do I go about doing that? How do I not seem arrogant? How do I be relevant? It's such a daunting task I know I could not singlehandedly do. It's just hard not to be angry. I know I have been given all of this compassion by God, I just need to figure out a tangible way to go about doing that. I hate that I still come back to that time and time again, but c'est la vie."

So that is what I am struggling with, finding tangible ways to continue to remember what I have learned and experienced, to uphold my responsibility to not be the same,to not become angry. Clearly I have some praying to do.

Here is a picture of us in Tom's house. 

Here is Brooke Fraser's "Albertine". She talks about her trip to Rwanda and how it changed her life. Does a pretty good job of summing up. Below are my favorite lyrics.

"Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead."

"I will tell the world, I will tell them where I've been

I will keep my word"

the end

I cannot believe that I am leaving to go to the Nairobi airport. Part of me is ready to be home, but most of me is dreading it. I have learned an incredible amount on this trip and I truly believe that I am coming home with a new perspective. It has been such a blessing to be able to go on this trip with a bunch of social workers because I have been processing with others and journaling like I never have before. Although I am hopeful that I am coming home and really making a lifestyle change, I know it will not be easy. I forsee myself getting frustrated with people who are being materialistic and have no awareness of what is going on in the world, because that is something I already struggle with. Pray that I will see them as Jesus does, with love, compassion, and no air of arrogance.

I would love to share more of what has gone on personally in my heart and what I have experienced here, I just hate that I have not been given as much internet access as I thought, so I literally don't have enough time to go in depth. I promise I will share when I get home if anyone still cares to read. I love you all very much and cannot thank you enough for your thoughts and prayers. I haven't been feeling sick since Sunday so all is well! Much love!

My word, I thought I would be able to update a lot more than I have on this trip, but it's honestly not my fault! We didn't have internet access while we were in Kitale like we thought, so that's why. I'll try to update you as much as I can even though I don't have my journal on hand or anything.

We arrived (after a 6 hour delay) in Nairobi yesterday evening, so we were in Kitale for four days. Kitale is like another world from Nairobi, very rural and undeveloped as opposed to the bustling city of Nairobi. I was really excited about this part of the trip because we were doing a lot of VBS type stuff with different orphanges and kinship care based programs. The day we arrived we just got a tour of the place we were staying, the Love Mercy house, and went to Seed of Hope, an orphanage trying to transition into having more of a focus out of institutions into kinship care (living with extended family) and foster care. Both are very beautiful ministries.

Unfortunately though, my time in Kitale was really disappointing because I couldn't participate in anything because I got sick.The one place I was able to visit was the Reynolds Center, a pre-k/k school for the kids in one of the poor slum areas in the countryside...and the kids were absolutely ADORABLE. They didn't speak much English but they sang three songs for us and it was one of the cutest things I have ever seen in my life! It was really hard for me though because there was already a huge language barrier, plus the whole day was like a slow motion fog for me...I felt at my worst.I had a sore throat since Nairobi, but as the days went on it got worse and worse, and I woke up feeling weak, fevered, headache, sore throat, body ache, and chilled that morning.

The next day I was taken to the clinic at Seed of Hope (along with another girl, Elise, who started to not feel good as well) and we tested positive for malaria. So I stayed in the Love Mercy house all day on Saturday and Sunday trying to rest and re-cooperate.Because I was feeling so terrible and just negative in general, I didn't really think about just how much I was missing out on until I heard all of the stories my team had of all the kids they got to do crafts with, dance with, and play games with. I was stupid, but I was crying selfish tears because I wanted to experience that so badly, but in the grand scheme of things my presence clearly wasn't that crucial.

On the bright side though, that time spent alone, particularly on Sunday when I started to feel better, I spent all day journaling out my thoughts on the trip/life in general, so it was a really beautiful moment for me. So in a way, I am very thankful for the time getting sick gave me to really sit and think about things that I wouldn't have otherwise.

I woke up this morning (Tuesday) feeling like a different person. My throat is still sore and I still have a headache, but I have definitely felt "myself" more than any other day on the trip. Today we visited Daystar University and got a tour of campus and was able to see what college is like in another culture. I really enjoyed seeing the campus, which was absolutely beautiful, and meeting some of the students and hearing their stories. The visit made me want to study abroad so badly! They have a social work and community development program, and it was really interesting to see how faith-based social workers work in another culture. Our team leader, Jon, is looking to try and build a partnership with them.So that would be incredible if that fell through!

I was expecting these updates to be

a. more frequent.

b. more detailed. (but not novel-length or anything)

so I'm really sorry that I'm having to keep everything general since I don't have much time to sit in front of a computer. But tomorrow we are headed to one of the biggest slums in Africa, Kibera, and the next day we are leaving for safari. I really can't believe that the trip is pretty much over. I have learned so much, but at the same time I feel like I haven't really done anything. But that's probably because so much time is spent traveling, plus I was sick. I just really hate that and feel like I need to be here for longer. But I better go, and I thank you so much for your prayers! Much love!

FINALLY!

Well, sorry it has been so long since I last wrote...but let's just say it has been an adventure FINALLY getting to Nairobi.

After sitting on a hot, un-air conditioned plane for 3 hours, we found out our flight out of Houston (that was supposed to leave at 4:20)was cancelled on Sunday because of the volcano ash. We finally got to the hotel around 10:30, and after waiting 2 hours for dinner at its restaurant, we got a couple hours of sleep before we had to leave again at 6. Once we got to London, we had to spend the night there before leaving again the next day. We stayed at the Sofitel at Heathrow...suuuupppper swanky. A few of us wanted to explore London for the few hours we would be there (we arrived around midnight and had to be ready to leave at 8), but we found out that it would have been a little expensive and not with our time to take the tube out to the city. Sad day. But since we still felt like being adventerous, a few of us walked around outside the hotel...which essentially was all of the roads around the terminals at Heathrow. We looked pretty lame.

Even though the common theme of the past couple days has been waiting, it has been really neat to see how patient our team has been, all things considering. Mind you, we have been frustrated, but everyone has kept a positive attitude. We arrived to the Gracia House in Nairobi last night around 10 (it's around 8am Wednesday morning as I'm writing this) to 20 or so people hugging and greeting us. It was really touching to see such genuine hospitality, and it finally started to sink in that I am FINALLY in Africa. Gahhhh it's still so surreal to me now, but I am so excited to get the day started so I can get in a routine and really fulfill my purpose here. Today we're headed to some orphanage (maybe?haha) to do a VBS, and I am so pumped to finally be with kids and experience the culture. Tomorrow we will take a flight to Kitale and we'll stay there a couple days.

Sorry this is scattered yet again, but I should have more time to write later tonight. Love you all!

Preparation (Or lack thereof)

In about 12 hours, I will be heading to the airport to go on one of the greatest adventures of my life- a two week mission trip to Kenya.

If you know me well at all, you know that I

1.) Have ALWAYS wanted to travel to Africa. Ever since I was little, it has been on my heart and I have been searching for the perfect opportunity to jump onto...and I found it! (a mission trip, through Baylor, through the School of Social Work, focused on kids. Cannot get much better!!!)

2.) I am not one to stress out. At all. I think I do a pretty good job at keeping real problems into perspective, so I find no use in stressing out over things not under my control.

Yet, those two things are very combined right now. Although it sounds weird and a little crazy, I know Satan is trying to take advantage of this situation right now. Since coming home from school on Tuesday, all I have been doing is running around like crazy running errands, making appointments, unpacking, repacking, and organizing to get ready for this trip. I haven't had a moment to just stop until now, and boy do I need it.

I feel as though I have not made any time to mentally and spiritually prepare for this mission trip. I may not being doing things as intense as street evangelism on this trip, but I know that my mindset isn't in the right place and that worries me. But I know that God will provide for me if I let Him work on my mind and my heart.

I often feel that my heart and compassion are too big for my abilities-I don't know how to apply and make a meaningful and feasible difference in the world. I am passionate about the impoverished, the marginalized, the homeless, people in pain, children, conserving my environmental resources, and have the desire to fit sharing the love of Jesus into that. Since after all, He is also passionate about all of those things. (I'm going to try and not go off into a tangent about how Christians need to be more aware of those things because that's a whoollleee nother post...haha)

But honestly, that has been an internal struggle of mine in trying to figure out what the heck God wants me to do in my life. It's a confidence issue that truly scares me, but I know that this trip is going to be a big step in further figuring out how to apply my passions into a "career". I know I'm supposed to do some sort of "ministry", however the heck you want to define that, and I know actually traveling to Africa like I have always felt like I needed to will give me a taste to see if this is the kind of thing I want to pursue.

For those reading this (if there are any besides my best friend and my parents, haha)here are goals I have for the trip that definitely need praying for!

-Pray that I let go and let God truly transform every part of my life and challenge me. Whew, that's scary reading that back to myself, but that is what needs to happen. I have grown SO much with Him this semester and I feel like this trip is going to be a huge milestone if I let it.

-Pray that I gain confidence in myself to use my God given abilities of loving people. My insecurity still plagues me and I sometimes hold back from being the outgoing person God made me.

Sorry for the scattered-ness of my first post, but I guess it's a good look at what my brain has been like this week? haha.

I do know that God is going to do some incredible things on this trip, and I can't wait to see how that will happen.

:]