transition

I'm not going to lie, I've been feeling a little weird and unsure what to do with myself since returning home Sunday night. The American culture and my privileged lifestyle has me feeling selfish and disgusted. I want to live a life affected. I don't want to forget what I have experienced. I don't want temporary, I want a permanent change. But how do I go about doing that in a culture that isn't supportive of that, surrounded by people who don't care enough to make a life change?

Now that the trip is over and I have more time to blog, I have decided I'm going to continue to share details of my trip and type out journals and such. And I think I'm going to try and start blogging regularly if you care to read that. I think it will be more of a personal thing since I doubt many read this, but feel free to read/comment all you want!

Portion of my journal entry, Tuesday May 18th, on the flight to Nairobi:

"I'm just so excited/nervous about the impact this trip will have on me. Is it going to confirm or dismiss a direction I could take in my life? Will questions be answered? What will I learn? How will I apply it to my everyday life in America? What effort will I need to put forth to grow in this experience and grow closer to Christ? those are all really scary things to think about.

And I'm going to be honest and admit a little arrogance of mine. I know I will come back from this trip changed, I've just convinced myself that I'm more aware of and care more about issues of poverty and injustice in the world, so somehow that makes me a better person who has no room to improve. What a farce. Although I may be more aware and have an ability to keep my life in perspective to the grand scheme of problems, that by no means means that it's not an area I can improve upon."

Fast forward to Wednesday May 26, after our visit to Kibera, a huge slum outside of Nairobi (I'll share more about my experience in Kibera later because I don't want to bombard you, but I feel like sharing a portion is crucial to understanding where I'm at right now):

"Then we visited Tom's house, he had been one of the people who had been taking us around all day and works for KTDP (Kibera Transformational Development Program). We had to balance on an extremely narrow pathway and over a teeny footbridge to get to his home, which you could not stand up in. Once inside, all 13 of us crammed inside and sat while he told us about his life and what he does. He recently got married in March, his Dad died in February, his mother is away living in another town, and he takes care of his two brothers that live near him that are going to school for mechanical engineering.

He said, beaming, "I am so proud of my house, and the land that my father owned. I love Kibera, I love my people, I will never leave them. I live a normal life. I have a stereo, I have electricity."

...And the tears came flowing. (And they are now as I am typing this.) He has a right to be proud of what he has earned, and it is so much less than anyone in America can ever imagine. Here we are, 13 people crammed into the home of 2-no visible bed, no bathroom, no shower-and our host is so incredibly proud, privileged, and content.

Meanwhile, here we are in America spending at least half an hour of our day looking at ourselves in the mirror trying to fit into this "affluent" (but not emotionally or spiritually) society that is actually a minority lifestyle in the world, though everyone acts like you're crazy if there is anything contrary. Going to church but not letting Jesus take over our lifestyle, settling to be a "believer" and not a "follower", despite going on mission trips or hearing the same message over and over again but not applying it. Constantly being unsatisfied with our own belongings and "needing" all new, all brand new things. Wasting so many resources that is sickens me to be associated with it. Yet I'm sickened with other cultures where corruption runs rapid.

I WILL NEVER BE FULLY SATISFIED ON THIS EARTH.

I can now fully realize and understand that  my heart is in heaven, and although it sounds morbid, I will patiently wait for that day when I will meet Jesus face to face and I can live in a place with true peace and harmony.

I think it's going to be hard returning home and being around the constant materialism of some of my friends. I wish I could impassion people to live with biblical priorities, but I almost feel like it is a lost cause. It's not that the problem is that there are no Christians in these nations, it's that they need to let it dictate their lifestyles. 80% of the population of Kenya is Christian, and 60% live below the poverty line. Really, it's the same problem with America and Christians all over the world. How on Earth to you go about instilling that kind of change in people? There's the same disconnect between the affluent and the poor, the same debate over political issues, the same stigma over HIV/AIDS. Though, that is one thing that the U.S. is improving on a bit. But Pastor Edward was talking about how people still completely ostracize people with HIV/AIDS and won't be willing to help, even in the church. I really don't understand how the Church can choose to ignore the fact and it needs to be passionate about the things that Jesus are passionate about. Injustice. Poverty. War. Children. Clean water. Conservation of the environment and resources.

And the reality is that not everyone thinks about all these things and has the same mindset as I do. And that's exactly what I struggle with, being around people that I feel are very self absorbed and unaware. But that is exactly what we have been called to do, not to hole up and only be around people who think the same way, but how on Earth am I supposed to do that? And is it okay to follow through in my sense of entitlement to change peoples' perspectives? But how do I go about doing that? How do I not seem arrogant? How do I be relevant? It's such a daunting task I know I could not singlehandedly do. It's just hard not to be angry. I know I have been given all of this compassion by God, I just need to figure out a tangible way to go about doing that. I hate that I still come back to that time and time again, but c'est la vie."

So that is what I am struggling with, finding tangible ways to continue to remember what I have learned and experienced, to uphold my responsibility to not be the same,to not become angry. Clearly I have some praying to do.

Here is a picture of us in Tom's house. 

Here is Brooke Fraser's "Albertine". She talks about her trip to Rwanda and how it changed her life. Does a pretty good job of summing up. Below are my favorite lyrics.

"Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead."

"I will tell the world, I will tell them where I've been

I will keep my word"